Day 2 (this time around)

I feel slightly better today - not so hungry, no cravings, etc. I backed way off on fermented veggie juice yesterday and skipped the bottled probiotics altogether. I hope to add things back in slowly. That's usually what I plan on doing but then I go overboard. Hopefully this time I will stick to it.

No pain today when I woke up but around 8 AM I started getting a headache. It's that weird, piercing pain on the right side of my forehead. Not sure what that's all about but it's tolerable. Then there's the bloating/abdominal distention of course. Once that goes away I know I am well on my way to being 100% healthy again.

It Smells Like Sauerkraut Up In Here

My latest batch. Thought I would leave it more coarse this time. It's starting to get that "sour" smell. Should be ready in a day or two.

Day 1 (for the 2,357th time)

Fell off the wagon again yesterday and paying for it today. This time it was the nut butter bars I made for Bob. I figured since they have Splenda in them I would be able to stay away from them, knowing what Splenda does to me. Nope! Ended up c/sing after lunch and after dinner then, as usual, totally regretting it. I didn't feel too bad when I woke up today but around 10 AM the oh so familiar headache, upper backache, and lower backache set in. Haven't gone away yet!

So far today has been good as far as eating is concerned. I had lamb and shrimp for lunch and will have the same for dinner. Our friend and petsitter L. is coming over for dinner tonight. We are grilling jalapeno stuffed shrimp wrapped in bacon, ribeye steaks, and some lamb steaks for me.  L. is bringing a tossed salad and I am making haricot vertes sauteed in butter with spices I brought from Germany. The salad and haricot vertes are for L. and Bob. I am still doing ZC with fermented veggie juice.

Speaking of fermented veggies, I just started another batch of Sauerkraut. I have one batch that has been in the fridge for about two weeks now. In another 4 or 5 days I should be done with the juice from my fermented carrots and by that time the SK in the fridge should be perfect. I am planning on always having a batch in the fridge ready to go. It's just better if you put it in the fridge for 2 to 4 weeks after you are done fermenting it at room temperature.

Another Day 1

How many times am I going to start over? I *just* want to eat ZC with fermented veggies juice and be strict but for some reason I have been falling off the wagon. Yesterday started out pretty good (except for the horrible headache and backache!) and then throughout the day the cravings and insane hunger set in. I think it was the coconut milk kefir but I am not sure. That stuff is so good that I had a hard time stopping. I meant to eat a spoonful and ended up eating almost a whole cup. Then I ate more later. I noticed myself getting angry, craving sweets, and just wanting to eat, eat, eat. Eventually I gave in and was c/sing with the remaining coconut milk kefir mixed with flax seed meal and sweet 'n' low, and almond/coconut butter. I just wanted to get the rest of the coconut milk kefir out of the house but didn't want to eat even more. I was worried about eating too many calories and weight gain. I should have given it to the dogs but I was in that ED insanity at that point.

Today is a new day but it's not necessarily an easy day. I also measured my thighs yesterday and have gained 0.39 inches since about a week ago - actually, since last Saturday. That really frustrated me as well. I do think I have some fluid retention right now from die off, something I am eating, or from PMS. Not sure...I could be totally wrong, too, and it's simply weight gain. But that much in 5 days? How does that happen?

I do realize the insanity of all of this, the vicious cycle, trying just "one bite" then going overboard, deciding to *fast* (which is really starving myself due to fear of weight gain), deciding to eat less, giving in, feeling guilty, etc.  If I didn't worry so much about gaining weight AND if I didn't have such an unrealistic view of myself, then doing GAPS would be a lot easier. I would go back to eating veggies since I am really not enjoying ZC. I get bored with the same taste and consistency over and over.

So I am *fasting* today. Whatever! Bob is going to see his dad so I will be here by myself all day. That could be good or bad. Sometimes I do great all day and then cave in the evening. Being hungry doesn't help. I also plan on going to Trader Joe's to get more coconut water to make kefir (don't like the taste so I don't go overboard like I do with coconut milk kefir) and I am already thinking about their almond/flax butter. Man I love that stuff but I will do my best not to even buy it. I should also get rid of the remaining almonds, flax seed meal, and homemade almond/coco butter I have in the pantry, but I have been using them to make stuff for Bob.

I hate to be negative but life SUCKS right now!

More Die Off

I am not sure what the die off is from, but it's kicking my butt today. Plus I did not get much sleep last night because of that stupid bird outside our bedroom window. Woke up with a headache, upper backache, lower backache, and pain shooting down my thighs. That lasted most of the day. I am worn out, brain-foggy, and tired. I feel like I could go to sleep right now and it's only 6 PM.

I have also been very hungry again today which must be die off as well. I was going to cut back on ferments but one bite of the coconut milk kefir and I was a goner. Now I have had probably a whole cup and I may pay for that tomorrow. It's just so incredibly good.

Low Carb Pizza

I made this for Bob last night. It smelled incredible but he didn't like the crust. I am sure I would have loved it.

Crust:

• 1 1/2 cups flax seed meal
• 2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon Italian seasoning mix
• 3 tablespoons oil
• 2 eggs plus 1 egg white
• 1 teaspoon parmesan cheese
• 1/2 C water (may have to add more)

Mix dry ingredients then add wet ingredients to form dough. Let it sit for about 5 minutes. Spread onto cookie sheet, pizza dish, etc. Use parchment paper or grease dish or it will stick. Bake in 425 preheated oven for about 10 minutes. Top with favorite pizza toppings and put back in oven until toppings are done. I put pizza sauce on the baked crust then put a layer of provolone slices on it. Next I added lots of pepperoni, some black olives, and topped everything with shredded mozzarella.

Die off

Yesterday was a rough day. Sunday I was going through horrible die off. It caused cravings for sweets and insane hunger. Sometime after lunch I started snacking on almonds, then I had sip of Diet Coke, and it went downhill from there. I also ate close to 32 ounces of dairy kefir and coconut milk kefir. So yesterday I was in that dark place in my head that I just could not get out of. In addition, I was retaining a ton of fluid and everything felt tight on me. I was going to fast all day but then ate dinner with Bob - 2 lbs of ground pork. It's a vicious cycle.

I once again started over being strict on GAPS. I am eating meat, fat, bone broth, and taking fermented veggie juice plus water kefir, coconut water kefir, and bottled probiotics. I have been asking God to show me if doing "just" GAPS is all I need or if I need to figure out if there really is a stricture in my small intestine. Then yesterday I was exchanging emails with Millie and she shared that her husband had confirmed strictures (on scans) yet nothing he tried medically helped him. When he finally started GAPS AND stopped cheating, he healed. Maybe that's my answer from God.

I do want to stop going to doctors. I am so tired of sitting in waiting rooms, filling out paper work, answering questions, relaying my story over, and over, and over, but I am also scared. Although doctors have not helped me, and if anything made things worse, I am afraid to stop going and just do this on my own. I am afraid to trust Jesus.

I do see how my cheats, even though most of them have been with legal but more advanced GAPS foods, have kept me from healing faster. I see the regression when I give in to eating nuts for example. Most people don't believe this labeling it as orthorexia but that is so far from the truth it's not even funny.

So here I am again, starting over with diet, being strict, etc. It's only day 2 and I am feeling the die off. Not in the form of cravings but this time in the form of fatigue, headache, backache, and just feeling mentally worn out and stressed. I still wish I could just go away for a few months, like to my mom's house, and focus on nothing but healing my body. However, unless that is what God wants I don't think it will happen.